A couple weekends ago, I was on the phone with my good friend from home (DC area) and I said something to him that I am still reflecting on. I told him that I didn't come to Ann Arbor, Michigan to plant roots I came here to expand. It's true. I came with no intention to stay much longer after my job ends Actually based on my contract at the time, when I moved on August 19, I wasn't sure if my job would continue into the new year past the fall semester ( I work at University of Michigan).
I am a person that creates family and community where I go. I constantly plant roots and typically become attached to those communities. This even occurred at Appel Farm Arts Camp where I worked for 2 consecutive summers after graduating undergrad. Though it's only 2 months of sleep away camp, the experience is so intense and isolating from the real world that planting roots in people/experiences is part of how I needed to make it through those summers. I found my people to lean on, vent to, and make the most with days off, which was vital for me. Before summer camp of course was 4 1/2 years of college. My first roots were planted at Worcester Hall where I become best friends (still to this day) with my roommate and floor mates. After that were my fellow Black theatre majors who became my family. I have become accustomed to planting roots, usually become attached, and then having to move through the pain of separation.
So to move to a place without intention of setting roots has been a VERY new experience. Here in Ann Arbor- a college town of a HUGE ( so much land) predominantly white higher education institution in the Midwest there always little reminders of how I "don't belong". Even as I continue to make friends and have social and art opportunities I feel it. But today I don't feel overwhelmed by it. Some days I do but today I feel its power. I feel how it makes me turn to myself and to my art more. In this moment I am asking myself: did I manifest this feeling before even moving here by deciding I would not set down roots? Are there benefits to choose an experience to "not belong"?
I wrote the above section on a different day when I was in a different mindset. Time has passed. I have grown and it still holds true. There are subtle and glaring moments when I am reminded that this is not home to me. I have made new friends and connections with amazing people which has affirmed my ability to find my people anywhere I go, but I'm learning place is important too. Living in a Midwestern majority white college town has pushed me to sit with myself in more truthful ways. It has made me want to plant deep roots in myself and belong to myself. By moving to a place that I "don't belong" I've come to belong more to myself which looks like dancing, crying, breathing deep, creating what I love, and most importantly creating more gentle love towards myself. This process is messy and beautiful and scary and ongoing....
I'm becoming rooted in my work as well. Today I will enter a prison for the first time to co-facilitate a theatre workshop thrugh the Prison Creative Arts Project ( PCAP). Last semester I participated in a re-entry workshop and I did a lot of listening. Through this workshop my world view has broken open further and my heart expanding. I am now enjoying,appreciating, and building friendship with someone who was incarcerated and its deconstructing so many subconscious/conscious assumptions I have had about people who have been incarcerated. I am also taking Theatre + Incarceration, a class that is taught by Ashley Lucas who runs PCAP. I constantly find myself getting angry and wanting to cry based on how people are treated with the prisons and how separate from my existence they have been from me. We watched a documentary about Eve Ensler's work called What I Want My Words To Do To You and she mentioned how prisons keep people locked in their mistakes without opportunity to change and grow. I tried to imagine what it would be like if no one forgave me or allowed me moments to choose different and I began to feel pain imagining this for myself, which transformed into empathy. After watching it, I was deeply deeply affirmed that is my responsibility to share my tools of storytelling, play, and creation with all peoples.
Every Sunday 1-3 PM I will be co-facilitating a theatre workshop with 2 juniors from University of Michigan. I feel scared to enter a prison because as someone who highly sensitive to spaces, others, and energy I don't know how my body and breath will respond. Not being able to plan for that is truly scary because my planning is how I feel comfortable. So I will be uncomfortable and will be called to breathe through that and be in the moment. I am choosing to step into a space that is set up with a different set of rules and structure different from where I live and I am anticipating that it will further shift and break me open. I feel scared to be 3 young women leading theatre games with a room full of incarcerated men. Will I maintain my confidence as a facilitator/teacher? Will I be too intimidated to uphold certain boundaries in the space that I normally would as a facilitator? Will I be overwhelmed and what will that do to me? Will some games/activities fail? Will I focus too much on myself by putting pressure on myself for outcomes? I am anticipating that I can't see the growth that lies ahead for me because I have never done this before. I am learning to embrace the unknowns of this experience.
My breathe, willingness to be seen and play will be my greatest tool. My intention today is to breathe, listen, and have fun.
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Some Days ( Poetry Free Write)
Some days I’m lonely
Some days I love being with myself
Some days I escape with TV, takeout, and social media
Some days I sit and breathe
Some days I cry
Some days I’m scared to let go of home
Some days I’m flying
Some days I know why I am here
Some days I forget why I’m here
Why am I here?
Some days I want back to familiar faces and streets
Some days I think I am waisting time
Some days I’m scared
Some days I’m empowered
Some days I don’t have words
Some days I wish someone would check on me
Some days I check on me
Some days I wish someone would check on me
These some days are always changing...
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Reconnecting to Myself
I have been in Ann Arbor for a month in some change now and I am sitting I'm sitting in what is uncomfortable for me .
My first 2 weekends here I hung out downtown and made 2 awesome new queer friends of color. A blessing! This weekend and last weekend I have been home but not necessarily by choice. I have been waiting for my first pay check and without it my mobility has been very limited. The past two weekends I have spent with myself. This is out of my comfort zone because back home being social and staying on the go pretty much every weekend was my norm. Spending time with myself is revealing a lot to me. It's becoming more clear what I need daily to feel healthy and grounded : movement and attention to my body, conscious breathing, creativity, and nature.
There is no shortage of nature here in Ann Arbor which is wonderful. Trees are everywhere and I live around the corner from a beautiful science center with trails, wildlife and even a mini exhibit of owls, hawks, and eagles. The first time I went there, which was last weekend, I decided to go without my phone. I decided to not share this experience via social media. I wanted to experience it just for me, something sacred. I walked, sang, and talked to myself as I was surround by nature. I even hugged a tree which felt very good.
I have become a lot more aware of how social media makes me feel less lonely and simultaneously perpetuates my loneliness. Part of why I chose to come to Ann Arbor is because the pace is slower than the DMV. Here I am learning how to slow down, which I'm appreciating, but its not always easy for me.Staying on the go enabled me from sitting in what is uncomfortable, which is stillness and solitude. So when I go on Facebook, my timeline is filled with events and happenings in DMV that remind me of what I am missing and summons insecurities surrounding the slower paced life I'm creating here.
I am learning that I was not built to sit at a desk all day for 5 days a week. The work is allowing me to strengthen my skills but it takes something from me. I'm learning how to find creative outlets for my mental health. I got connected with the Prison Creative Arts Project and I'm looking into leading a theatre workshop once a week. I figured out there are open mics in Ann Arbor every 1st and 3rd Sunday that I plan to attend. I met the director of the LGBTQ center to University of Michigan and I offered to be an acting coach for their first LGBTQ monologue event in October. I'm putting energy into creating opportunities that fuel my creativity.
It feels very challenging and frustrating at times to not know of all the resources that are available here in Ann Arbor because it's a new place. Here I have no choice but to practice patience with myself as I build new connections. Sometimes I expect things to happen as easily and fast as it would back home but that's not fair to me.
What has been challenging for me :
- finding creative outlets
- creating and up-keeping my morning rituals
- stillness in solitude
- being patient with myself
What I am doing more of :
-crying
-reading
( There are several independently own book stores here! )
-feeling more from past experiences that have hurt, exhausted, and taken from me
I'm working on :
-seeing the blessing in discomfort
- accepting that I am multiple feelings at once that conflict
- making choices that are not stemmed from my obligation to others
This is the first time I am not putting someone else's needs before my own. I'm allowing myself to sit in pain and move through it, which is HUGE. For the first time I'm learning how to honor what I want and need not allow the obligation I often feel to do for others to over cast my needs.
Ann Arbor is gift to myself - a space completely for me to reconnect to myself and love on me.
My first 2 weekends here I hung out downtown and made 2 awesome new queer friends of color. A blessing! This weekend and last weekend I have been home but not necessarily by choice. I have been waiting for my first pay check and without it my mobility has been very limited. The past two weekends I have spent with myself. This is out of my comfort zone because back home being social and staying on the go pretty much every weekend was my norm. Spending time with myself is revealing a lot to me. It's becoming more clear what I need daily to feel healthy and grounded : movement and attention to my body, conscious breathing, creativity, and nature.
There is no shortage of nature here in Ann Arbor which is wonderful. Trees are everywhere and I live around the corner from a beautiful science center with trails, wildlife and even a mini exhibit of owls, hawks, and eagles. The first time I went there, which was last weekend, I decided to go without my phone. I decided to not share this experience via social media. I wanted to experience it just for me, something sacred. I walked, sang, and talked to myself as I was surround by nature. I even hugged a tree which felt very good.
I have become a lot more aware of how social media makes me feel less lonely and simultaneously perpetuates my loneliness. Part of why I chose to come to Ann Arbor is because the pace is slower than the DMV. Here I am learning how to slow down, which I'm appreciating, but its not always easy for me.Staying on the go enabled me from sitting in what is uncomfortable, which is stillness and solitude. So when I go on Facebook, my timeline is filled with events and happenings in DMV that remind me of what I am missing and summons insecurities surrounding the slower paced life I'm creating here.
I am learning that I was not built to sit at a desk all day for 5 days a week. The work is allowing me to strengthen my skills but it takes something from me. I'm learning how to find creative outlets for my mental health. I got connected with the Prison Creative Arts Project and I'm looking into leading a theatre workshop once a week. I figured out there are open mics in Ann Arbor every 1st and 3rd Sunday that I plan to attend. I met the director of the LGBTQ center to University of Michigan and I offered to be an acting coach for their first LGBTQ monologue event in October. I'm putting energy into creating opportunities that fuel my creativity.
It feels very challenging and frustrating at times to not know of all the resources that are available here in Ann Arbor because it's a new place. Here I have no choice but to practice patience with myself as I build new connections. Sometimes I expect things to happen as easily and fast as it would back home but that's not fair to me.
What has been challenging for me :
- finding creative outlets
- creating and up-keeping my morning rituals
- stillness in solitude
- being patient with myself
What I am doing more of :
-crying
-reading
( There are several independently own book stores here! )
-feeling more from past experiences that have hurt, exhausted, and taken from me
I'm working on :
-seeing the blessing in discomfort
- accepting that I am multiple feelings at once that conflict
- making choices that are not stemmed from my obligation to others
This is the first time I am not putting someone else's needs before my own. I'm allowing myself to sit in pain and move through it, which is HUGE. For the first time I'm learning how to honor what I want and need not allow the obligation I often feel to do for others to over cast my needs.
Ann Arbor is gift to myself - a space completely for me to reconnect to myself and love on me.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
I'm not in Kansas ( Maryland ) Anymore...
On August 19, 2017 a month after turning 25 I moved from Maryland/DMV area. Maryland has been my home since I was 6 years old. I am in love with living in the DMV. I love the diversity of peoples and continually discovering new aspects of D.C. I could see myself living there the rest of my life and planting my roots....sooo why leave :
Why leave home?
Ever since I studied abroad in London in 2012 (which included visiting Wales, France, and Italy) I have needed the growth that comes from travel. There is a magic that comes from being far from home. For me its the loneliness combined with newness that enables me to reflect holistically about myself and what I need. I become more caring to myself, because my support systems are farther away. I become more adventurous because I don't know the area so my only choice is to explore. It isn't easy for me being away form home and that's the point. I'm pushed to grow and growth is my constant. When I travel from home I have to confront my fear of being forgotten by those I love. When I travel I have to confront the questions : If I'm not there to give to those I love will they stop loving me? Am I worth the additional challenge of using technology or communicating through different time zones? These questions and fears all came up because I dared to travel. Through travel I have an opportunity to sit with these fears/questions and heal these unloved parts of me that think this way.
My first serious impulse to leave Maryland was after my heart was broken, I ended my first relationship and graduated college, all of which happened in the same semester. Right after graduating in 2015, I went to New Jersey to work at a sleep away arts camp and made friends from all over the country and world. Then, I came back home to familiarity and where my ex was still very much apart of my friends and social circle. So pain and escape was definitely a top motivation to leave.
A year later, after healing some, I deiced to stay in Maryland and live on my own for the first time.I wanted to experience the DMV on my own as an adult (Which was so worth staying ). But in September, when I moved into my first apartment in Downtown Silver Spring to start my first full time job in Riverdale, MD I realized I had been in Maryland too long. I grew up in Wheaton, Maryland, went to the University of Maryland, now I'm living 15 min from where I grew up and working 10 min from where I went to college? How did I become this person who lives where she grew up? I told myself after my job ends I'm leaving. So I did.
Ann Arbor Chill'in
I applied and accepted an executive internship with a2ru which I start tomorrow! I moved in yesterday. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and I'm surrounded by lots of trees and greenery. I love my room I just need a mattress and bedding. I have 1 roommate which is wonderful. She picked up 3 furniture items I purchased via Facebook before arrived, picked me up from the airport, took me to the grocery store on the way home, built my bed frame, and gave me her old desk. The kindness of strangers is real! The universe is truly looking out.
Today I went exploring! I walked and just kept walking for over an hour. I discovered 2 parks, a trail to run/walk, the Amtrak/Greyhound station, and a lake to canoe down. I love the freedom of walking and not knowing where I am going! I walked, ran, and swung swings!
I start work tomorrow and already have about 4 people that are friends of friends to meet! My adventure is starting out wonderfully. I told a friend the other day I don't know what is coming up in this journey but I know it's mine. Usually I choose to be fearful of the unknown and I'm learning to allow fear to have its space, but allow something else to drive me. Maybe adventure, curiosity, courage? I'm not sure yet but trust and patience is my new motto and I'll let fear take a step back...
Til Next Time <3
Accountability Statement :My goal is to post at least once a month around the 19th of each month :)
Why leave home?
Ever since I studied abroad in London in 2012 (which included visiting Wales, France, and Italy) I have needed the growth that comes from travel. There is a magic that comes from being far from home. For me its the loneliness combined with newness that enables me to reflect holistically about myself and what I need. I become more caring to myself, because my support systems are farther away. I become more adventurous because I don't know the area so my only choice is to explore. It isn't easy for me being away form home and that's the point. I'm pushed to grow and growth is my constant. When I travel from home I have to confront my fear of being forgotten by those I love. When I travel I have to confront the questions : If I'm not there to give to those I love will they stop loving me? Am I worth the additional challenge of using technology or communicating through different time zones? These questions and fears all came up because I dared to travel. Through travel I have an opportunity to sit with these fears/questions and heal these unloved parts of me that think this way.
My first serious impulse to leave Maryland was after my heart was broken, I ended my first relationship and graduated college, all of which happened in the same semester. Right after graduating in 2015, I went to New Jersey to work at a sleep away arts camp and made friends from all over the country and world. Then, I came back home to familiarity and where my ex was still very much apart of my friends and social circle. So pain and escape was definitely a top motivation to leave.
A year later, after healing some, I deiced to stay in Maryland and live on my own for the first time.I wanted to experience the DMV on my own as an adult (Which was so worth staying ). But in September, when I moved into my first apartment in Downtown Silver Spring to start my first full time job in Riverdale, MD I realized I had been in Maryland too long. I grew up in Wheaton, Maryland, went to the University of Maryland, now I'm living 15 min from where I grew up and working 10 min from where I went to college? How did I become this person who lives where she grew up? I told myself after my job ends I'm leaving. So I did.
Ann Arbor Chill'in
I applied and accepted an executive internship with a2ru which I start tomorrow! I moved in yesterday. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and I'm surrounded by lots of trees and greenery. I love my room I just need a mattress and bedding. I have 1 roommate which is wonderful. She picked up 3 furniture items I purchased via Facebook before arrived, picked me up from the airport, took me to the grocery store on the way home, built my bed frame, and gave me her old desk. The kindness of strangers is real! The universe is truly looking out.
Today I went exploring! I walked and just kept walking for over an hour. I discovered 2 parks, a trail to run/walk, the Amtrak/Greyhound station, and a lake to canoe down. I love the freedom of walking and not knowing where I am going! I walked, ran, and swung swings!
I start work tomorrow and already have about 4 people that are friends of friends to meet! My adventure is starting out wonderfully. I told a friend the other day I don't know what is coming up in this journey but I know it's mine. Usually I choose to be fearful of the unknown and I'm learning to allow fear to have its space, but allow something else to drive me. Maybe adventure, curiosity, courage? I'm not sure yet but trust and patience is my new motto and I'll let fear take a step back...
Til Next Time <3
Accountability Statement :My goal is to post at least once a month around the 19th of each month :)
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