Some Days ( Poetry Free Write)

Some days I’m lonely 

Some days I love being with myself 

Some days I escape with TV, takeout, and social media 

Some days I sit and breathe 

Some days I cry 

Some days I’m scared to let go of home 

Some days I’m flying 

Some days I know why I am here 

Some days I forget why I’m here 

Why am I here?

Some days I want back to familiar faces and streets

Some days I think I am waisting time 

Some days I’m scared 

Some days I’m empowered 

Some days I don’t have words 

Some days I wish someone would check on me

Some days I check on me 

Some days I wish someone would check on me

These some days are always changing...

Reconnecting to Myself

I have been in Ann Arbor for a month in some change now and I am sitting I'm sitting in what is uncomfortable for me .

My first 2 weekends here I hung out downtown and made 2 awesome new queer friends of color. A blessing! This weekend and last weekend I have been home but not necessarily by choice. I have been waiting for my first pay check and without it my mobility has been very limited. The past two weekends I have spent with myself. This is out of my comfort zone because back home being social and staying on the go pretty much every weekend was my norm. Spending time with myself is revealing a lot to me. It's becoming more clear what I need daily to feel healthy and grounded : movement and attention to my body, conscious breathing, creativity, and nature.

There is no shortage of nature here in Ann Arbor which is wonderful. Trees are everywhere and I live around the corner from a beautiful science center with trails, wildlife and even a mini exhibit of owls, hawks, and eagles. The first time I went there, which was last weekend, I decided to go without my phone. I decided to not share this experience via social media. I wanted to experience it just for me, something sacred. I walked, sang, and talked to myself as I was surround by nature. I even hugged a tree which felt very good.


I have become a lot more aware of how social media makes me feel less lonely and simultaneously perpetuates my loneliness. Part of why I chose to come to Ann Arbor is because the pace is slower than the DMV. Here I am learning how to slow down, which I'm appreciating, but its not always easy for me.Staying on the go enabled me from sitting in what is uncomfortable, which is stillness and solitude. So when I go on Facebook, my timeline is filled with events and happenings in DMV that remind me of what I am missing and summons insecurities surrounding the slower paced life I'm creating here.


I am learning that I was not built to sit at a desk all day for 5 days a week. The work is allowing me to strengthen my skills but it takes something from me. I'm learning how to find creative outlets for my mental health. I got connected with the Prison Creative Arts Project and I'm looking into leading a theatre workshop once a week. I figured out there are open mics in Ann Arbor every 1st and 3rd Sunday that I plan to attend. I met the director of the LGBTQ center to University of Michigan and I offered to be an acting coach for their first LGBTQ monologue event in October. I'm putting energy into creating opportunities that fuel my creativity.


It feels very challenging and frustrating at times to not know of all the resources that are available here in Ann Arbor because it's a new place. Here I have no choice but to practice patience with myself as I build new connections. Sometimes I expect things to happen as easily and fast as it would back home but that's not fair to me.



What has been challenging for me :

- finding creative outlets
- creating and up-keeping my morning rituals
- stillness in solitude
- being patient with myself


What I am doing more of :
-crying
-reading
( There are several independently own book stores here! )
-feeling more from past experiences that have hurt, exhausted, and taken from me


I'm working on :

-seeing the blessing in discomfort
- accepting that I am multiple feelings at once that conflict
- making choices that are not stemmed from my obligation to others

This is the first time I am not putting someone else's needs before my own. I'm allowing myself to sit in pain and move through it, which is HUGE. For the first time I'm learning how to honor what I want and need not allow the obligation I often feel to do for others to over cast my needs.

Ann Arbor is gift to myself - a space completely for me to reconnect to myself and love on me.

I'm not in Kansas ( Maryland ) Anymore...

On August 19, 2017 a month after turning 25 I moved from Maryland/DMV area. Maryland has been my home since I was 6 years old. I am in love with living in the DMV. I love the diversity of peoples and continually discovering new aspects of D.C. I could see myself living there the rest of my life and planting my roots....sooo why leave :

Why leave home?
Ever since I studied abroad in London in 2012 (which included visiting Wales, France, and Italy) I have needed the growth that comes from travel. There is a magic that comes from being far from home. For me its the loneliness combined with newness that enables me to reflect holistically about myself and what I need. I become more caring to myself, because my support systems are farther away. I become more adventurous because I don't know the area so my only choice is to explore. It isn't easy for me being away form home and that's the point. I'm pushed to grow and growth is my constant. When I travel from home I have to confront my fear of being forgotten by those I love. When I travel I have to confront the questions :  If I'm not there to give to those I love will they stop loving me? Am I worth the additional challenge of using technology or communicating through different time zones? These questions and fears all came up because I dared to travel. Through travel I have an opportunity to sit with these fears/questions and heal these unloved parts of me that think this way.

My first serious impulse to leave Maryland was after my heart was broken, I ended my first relationship and graduated college, all of which happened in the same semester. Right after graduating in 2015, I went to New Jersey to work at a sleep away arts camp and made friends from all over the country and world. Then, I came back home to familiarity and where my ex was still very much apart of my friends and social circle. So pain and escape was definitely a top motivation to leave. 

A year later, after healing some, I deiced to stay in Maryland and live on my own for the first time.I wanted to experience the DMV on my own as an adult (Which was so worth staying ). But in September, when I moved into my first apartment in Downtown Silver Spring to start my first full time job in Riverdale, MD I realized I had been in Maryland too long. I grew up in Wheaton, Maryland, went to the University of Maryland, now I'm living 15 min from where I grew up and working 10 min from where I went to college? How did I become this person who lives where she grew up?  I told myself after my job ends I'm leaving. So I did. 

Ann Arbor Chill'in 
I applied and accepted an executive internship with a2ru which I start tomorrow! I moved in yesterday. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and I'm surrounded by lots of trees and greenery. I love my room I just need a mattress and bedding. I have 1 roommate which is wonderful. She picked up 3 furniture items I purchased via Facebook before arrived, picked me up from the airport, took me to the grocery store on the way home, built my bed frame, and gave me her old desk. The kindness of strangers is real! The universe is truly looking out.  

Today I went exploring! I walked and just kept walking for over an hour. I discovered 2 parks, a trail to run/walk, the Amtrak/Greyhound station, and a lake to canoe down. I love the freedom of walking and not knowing where I am going! I walked, ran, and swung swings!

I start work tomorrow and already have about 4 people that are friends of friends to meet! My adventure is starting out wonderfully. I told a friend the other day I don't know what is coming up in this journey but I know it's mine. Usually  I choose to be fearful of the unknown and I'm learning to allow fear to have its space, but allow something else to drive me. Maybe adventure, curiosity, courage? I'm not sure yet but trust and patience is my new motto and I'll let fear take a step back...

Til Next Time <3 

Accountability Statement :My goal is to post at least once a month around the 19th of each month :)