A couple weekends ago, I was on the phone with my good friend from home (DC area) and I said something to him that I am still reflecting on. I told him that I didn't come to Ann Arbor, Michigan to plant roots I came here to expand. It's true. I came with no intention to stay much longer after my job ends Actually based on my contract at the time, when I moved on August 19, I wasn't sure if my job would continue into the new year past the fall semester ( I work at University of Michigan).
I am a person that creates family and community where I go. I constantly plant roots and typically become attached to those communities. This even occurred at Appel Farm Arts Camp where I worked for 2 consecutive summers after graduating undergrad. Though it's only 2 months of sleep away camp, the experience is so intense and isolating from the real world that planting roots in people/experiences is part of how I needed to make it through those summers. I found my people to lean on, vent to, and make the most with days off, which was vital for me. Before summer camp of course was 4 1/2 years of college. My first roots were planted at Worcester Hall where I become best friends (still to this day) with my roommate and floor mates. After that were my fellow Black theatre majors who became my family. I have become accustomed to planting roots, usually become attached, and then having to move through the pain of separation.
So to move to a place without intention of setting roots has been a VERY new experience. Here in Ann Arbor- a college town of a HUGE ( so much land) predominantly white higher education institution in the Midwest there always little reminders of how I "don't belong". Even as I continue to make friends and have social and art opportunities I feel it. But today I don't feel overwhelmed by it. Some days I do but today I feel its power. I feel how it makes me turn to myself and to my art more. In this moment I am asking myself: did I manifest this feeling before even moving here by deciding I would not set down roots? Are there benefits to choose an experience to "not belong"?
I wrote the above section on a different day when I was in a different mindset. Time has passed. I have grown and it still holds true. There are subtle and glaring moments when I am reminded that this is not home to me. I have made new friends and connections with amazing people which has affirmed my ability to find my people anywhere I go, but I'm learning place is important too. Living in a Midwestern majority white college town has pushed me to sit with myself in more truthful ways. It has made me want to plant deep roots in myself and belong to myself. By moving to a place that I "don't belong" I've come to belong more to myself which looks like dancing, crying, breathing deep, creating what I love, and most importantly creating more gentle love towards myself. This process is messy and beautiful and scary and ongoing....
I'm becoming rooted in my work as well. Today I will enter a prison for the first time to co-facilitate a theatre workshop thrugh the Prison Creative Arts Project ( PCAP). Last semester I participated in a re-entry workshop and I did a lot of listening. Through this workshop my world view has broken open further and my heart expanding. I am now enjoying,appreciating, and building friendship with someone who was incarcerated and its deconstructing so many subconscious/conscious assumptions I have had about people who have been incarcerated. I am also taking Theatre + Incarceration, a class that is taught by Ashley Lucas who runs PCAP. I constantly find myself getting angry and wanting to cry based on how people are treated with the prisons and how separate from my existence they have been from me. We watched a documentary about Eve Ensler's work called What I Want My Words To Do To You and she mentioned how prisons keep people locked in their mistakes without opportunity to change and grow. I tried to imagine what it would be like if no one forgave me or allowed me moments to choose different and I began to feel pain imagining this for myself, which transformed into empathy. After watching it, I was deeply deeply affirmed that is my responsibility to share my tools of storytelling, play, and creation with all peoples.
Every Sunday 1-3 PM I will be co-facilitating a theatre workshop with 2 juniors from University of Michigan. I feel scared to enter a prison because as someone who highly sensitive to spaces, others, and energy I don't know how my body and breath will respond. Not being able to plan for that is truly scary because my planning is how I feel comfortable. So I will be uncomfortable and will be called to breathe through that and be in the moment. I am choosing to step into a space that is set up with a different set of rules and structure different from where I live and I am anticipating that it will further shift and break me open. I feel scared to be 3 young women leading theatre games with a room full of incarcerated men. Will I maintain my confidence as a facilitator/teacher? Will I be too intimidated to uphold certain boundaries in the space that I normally would as a facilitator? Will I be overwhelmed and what will that do to me? Will some games/activities fail? Will I focus too much on myself by putting pressure on myself for outcomes? I am anticipating that I can't see the growth that lies ahead for me because I have never done this before. I am learning to embrace the unknowns of this experience.
My breathe, willingness to be seen and play will be my greatest tool. My intention today is to breathe, listen, and have fun.
